i don't know exactly what i'm going to to do. i'm not going to tell you what is going on because i'm a bitch and i want to be as evasive as i possibly can be. haha. i know, you hate me. i just know that i don't know what i'm waiting for? what am i scared of? oh, there's so much to be scared of, there's so much to lose. but what it is all for? i feel like i'm living a lie, like is this REALLY my life? this is it? THIS? seriously? da fuck? i didn't sign up for this shit. i don't want this shit. i want more. i need more. how do i get more? but am i sure i really want MORE? how much more could i possibly want? i want it all. i deserve it all. but then i sit here and count all the people i will let down and hurt if i go out and get the more that i want and it just doesn't seem worth it. but then i think about all the people i will hurt, myself included if i DON'T go for it all. why does life have to be so fucking complicated? why do we always put other peoples needs before our own? why do i care so much about what people think? why? GOD, WHY? it sounds so selfish, but sometimes i wanna be like that mom on the yaya sisterhood movie. when she ran away to sleep at a motel for a few days. i just don't ever want to come back. is that wrong? yes, it is. who does that? this can't be all there is. this just can't be all there is. i won't accept that. but the thing is... i do.
damn.
fml.
